Apple Uglies

It's October, and you know what that means. Apple Uglies. I went looking through the archives for some old pictures, and, lo and behold, I realized I have not done a proper post on Apple Uglies. So if you're thinking that I'm talking about my collection of old, shriveled apples, stop right there. I will explain: Every October for as long as I can remember, my family gathers to eat soup out of bread bowls, and then we decorate caramel apples with candy in an attempt to make the ugliest faces. (We've been making apple uglies for so long that the name was even a spoonerism victim once— "appee uggles." Pretty classic, right?) Anyway, we don't just use a little bit of candy but a tableful of beautiful, colorful sugar in myriad forms. (I hate using "myriad" that way, just fyi, but I do it just because it's possible. And while I'm confessing, I'll be honest and admit that one of my favorite parts of the party is separating the candy into the muffin tins. I don't really know why.)

a close-up, in case you're not appreciating the sugar splendor

The candy selection process is very important. Unlike other times, candy for apple uglies needs to be selected based on looks alone. Taste is secondary. Take that gross halloween mix in the bottom right corner of the above picture, for instance. Never would I be caught dead eating any of that, but it can be pretty useful come game day. This is where black licorice, burnt peanuts, candy corn, and the like really get to shine. With a spread like this, the possibilities are endless.

Anyway, I think it's safe to say that the best part of the whole event is chatting it up with the fam and overdosing on sugar, including donuts from Lehi Bakery for dessert [insert coma]. Another "best" part is still demanding to participate even though you're a mature adult and competing against children. I take my creativity very seriously, no matter who gets hurt in the process.

There's a certain artistry to making an apple ugly. Most of the younger kids just pile on the candy haphazardly, while shoveling candy in their mouths by the handful. But us old timers have fine-tuned some tricks over the years and come up with some pretty ugly apples.

Here are a few pictures from the Apple Ugly Days of Yore to give you some idea of what they look like.

This is a good ten-ish years ago when I was in college. I think my apple is in the bottom right corner. I don't know what I was thinking, though, because it's way too cute. (But an A+ goes to Tamra for that face . . . her real one.)

And thanks, Jen, for needing to be in every picture. :D

The results during a girls' trip to New York in 2006. We're so committed that we even made them on vacation. (Mine's the punk apple on the right, the one with the chiclet mohawk and awesome teeth made from starbursts.)

This was a montage from last year my sister put on her blog and put it to a vote. Mine was the adorably ill #5. (I still think I should have won. There's nothing uglier than vomit.)

This year, Anna finally graduated to the age where she actually made a face on her apple (instead of the aforementioned pile o' candy), and she even did a self-portrait, which I think is pretty clever.

Notice the rainbow gummy worms on her apple to match the rainbow hair paint she got at the fall festival?

Anyway, I'm pretty proud of what I came up with this year. As soon as I unloaded a box of these . . .

. . . I had my inspiration for this:

(I think her name would probably be La Volda.) The caramel made the most amazing wrinkly skin, and she kind of reminded me of this lady:

Anyway, happy Apple Uglies, everyone. Make some today. Your blood sugar will thank you . . . for giving it a run for its money.