Every once in a while, my sister will be reading the newspaper and she'll pick out some quintessential "old lady" names from the obituaries and make me choose which one I'd rather have. Sometimes they're pretty traditional names and sometimes pretty unpleasant (I'll be honest), but it's been rather amusing to see which ones get labeled as Ultimate Grandmother names and which ones I'd honestly consider if I was suddenly forced to change my name to sound like I was 80 years old.
You've got your pretty grandma names . . .
Gloria
Ruby
Eleanor
Gwendolyn
Lucy
Madeleine
Helen
Ada
June
. . . and some that are notably dated but not SO bad, like
Ethel
Edna
Beatrice
Shirley
Elsie
Fern
Dixie
. . . and the more unpleasant ones, for me.
Eunice
Bertha
Velma
Doris
Margaret
Gladys
Belva
Francis
Mildred
But a few days ago, I would have told you that the WORST possible old lady name of all time was Phyllis. Hands down. I have always disliked it and have maintained this opinion since we started this little game. The name Phillip bothers me too, which is probably why I don't like Phyllis, not to mention that it sounds a whole lot like an STD. No one wants to have a name that sounds like an STD. So when we play this game and I decide which names of the day are pretty terrible, they always eventually get paired with Phyllis to see which is truly worse. And Phyllis usually wins. Hands down.
But the terrible Phyllis was dethroned a few days ago when we happened upon a name even more awful:
LaVolda
Ugh. Isn't it ghastly? Let's analyze why it's so bad.
- First of all, it sports the ever-awful "La" prefix. I can't say too much about this because my own grandfather's name was Lavern, but I feel like that's a whole name and not a two-parter with "La" haphazardly attached," like "LaDene" or "LaVerl" or the all-familiar "LaVell."
- The second, and perhaps most important, reason why it sounds so grating to my ears is that LaVolda is like the female counterpart of Lord Voldemort. Her parents should have thought of that 80 years ago.
- Third—parents everywhere should take note—don't name your child anything that sounds like the word "mold." They don't deserve that. It's like naming them Fester or LaCanker.
How about Thelma (you were close with Velma), Myrtle, Luella, Marge (related to Margaret), Tilly, Daisy, Bernice, Dolores, or Madge? I'll let you categorize those as you see fit.
ReplyDeleteWe could do the same sort of thing for male names.
when we pick out future children names we try to consider our grandma's - but I think they all have horrible old lady names. Wilma, Wanda, Avis and Doris. Gosh...can it get any worse? Almost as bad as Grandpa names. Kermit, Bud, Champ and Bob. I really hope we can figure out other names for our kids because these are pretty bad :)
ReplyDeleteOh, those are so good. I love Thelma, Myrtle, and Dolores so much. And Madge was totally a contender the other day. That's pretty bad too.
ReplyDeleteAnd Liz! Those names are so great. I knew about Kermit, but I can't believe Champ is for real. Yeah, good luck naming your future children.
LaVolda is probably the ugliest name I have ever heard. I am not a fan of mid-word capitalization. Just stop it.
ReplyDeleteBut my favorite part of this post was, "Her parents should have thought of that 80 years ago."
I don't know why but that made me laugh really hard - thanks.
I am totally lol'ing at Liz's grandparents' names. How can that be real? It's too good to be true. :D
ReplyDeleteIt's funny... my initial reaction to LaVolda was, "It's like Voldemort!... coooool." I guess we know which side I'm on.
But regarding the other names, I don't mind Madge. I kind of like Avis too. I feel like that one could come back. Francis is grandma-chic too.
good times, good times...
Blanche. That is my grandmother's name. And it's horrible. Blanche Belcher. Oh, the torture. And she begged all her children and grandchildren to never name a baby after her. At least she knew...
ReplyDeleteI had a roommate in college whose grandmother's name was Hepsiba. When she first told me that, I honestly thought she'd made it up and was just trying to make me laugh! But now I know it's real (and in the Bible, no less.) Also, I've never liked the name Gertrude. I had a mission companion named Eugenia, which would be ugly in English, but in Spanish is pronounced "eh you HEN ee ah" and is actually kind of pretty. My word verification is "Fachrati" which would also be an ugly name!
ReplyDeleteOFFENDED! My real name is LaKimber.
ReplyDeleteI really do like a lot of these old names. My favorites are Margaret, Champ, Eunice, Doris, Francis and Mildred.
But look, I named my kids Rex Warren and Daphne Beryl. I didn't want them to have childhoods. Daphne Beryl vs. Anna Summertime.
In closing, Nick's mom's maiden name is Lusty. Her dad: Dr. Donald Lusty. And I'm not offended.
Oh my goodness, Lara. The name Blanche Belcher is amazing. That should so be the topic for another post: incredible first and last name combinations.
ReplyDeleteAnd Sandra, Gertrude is pretty bad, but Gert is sort of cute. Can you justify naming a child an unpleasant name by planning to use the cute nickname? That's kind of how I feel about Margaret. Hate the name, love Meg or Maggie. (p.s. I totally laughed about your word verification. A terrible name indeed.)
And Kimber, I love it. I knew this post would hit home with friends like you. :D And I did not know little Daphne's middle name was Beryl. Too cute and somehow fitting. You have to do what works, right?
I have to go on record saying I like the name Margaret. It reminds me of Little Women. And I love the nicknames for it too. And my great grandma was named LaVon. At least it wasn't short for LaVonda!
ReplyDeleteI agree about the grandma "she who must not be named"- total Voldemort association. But Fern is on your semi good list? Honestly? It is a plant! It is like Hosta, Geranium, Cactus... Fern??? It made my horrible list hands down!
ReplyDelete