The birthday.

November 30th has always meant a lot to me. This year I have looked forward to it because it's my birthday (which I apparently can't stop talking about like I'm a small child), marking the end of 30 Days of Ash because I'm now 30 years old on the 30th, and it's also my deadline. It's been a good year and a great month (largely due to my thoughtful and cool sister who came up with some amazingly amazing gifts, the rest of my amazing family, my friends, a trip to H&M, some birthday donuts from Lehi Bakery, and—let's be honest—my parents, as the reason I have a birthday at all) and the many thousands of words that I dredged up from the deep recesses of my brain to finish this book.

So yes, in a word, the book is done.*

*Meaning, not done. 

I'll explain. The rough draft is done: there is an excellent beginning, a hefty middle, somewhat of an end, and nearly 50,000 words, but it's still going to take some revising and fleshing out before I'm happy with the first draft. There are some holes and I know it, so I need to go back and fill them in.

And, by the way, I really hate knowing that it's not as good as I'd like it to be. Thinking about that reminds me of this quote from Ira Glass:

"Nobody tells this to people who are beginners. I wish someone had told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it's just not that good. It's trying to be good, it has potential, but it's not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn't have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know that it's normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you finish one piece. It's only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I've ever met. It's gonna take a while. It's normal to take a while. You've just gotta fight your way through."

So there's your inspirational/demoralizing quote for the day. (It's good that it fits both moods.) But truly, I'm happy with the progress I've made. I'm glad that I can say that I [essentially] wrote a book by the time I was 30, which was my ultimate goal. (I don't care if it's a loose interpretation.) So I will keep working, once the birthday celebrations quiet down, and for those of you lucky enough to read the darn thing, I will alert you when I'm good and ready. Merry birthday to you.

The Girl Behind the Annacdotes

This painting was done by Anna's Uncle Sean and was one of many gifts I received this month for the 30 Days of Ash. I am in love with it.

This is where the painting came from, by the way.

Lately, I've been thinking about Anna and how she is so much more than these few Annacdotes I post once in a while. And sure, while they're definitely delightful, she is a treat on so many other levels and in so many other ways, and I don't want to forget them. I am baffled and delighted by her nearly 24 hours a day. (Yep, even while I sleep.) I guess it's a little hard to detail in a blog post, but I'm still going to try.

1. Her language. I would say that one of her gifts is in the verbal category. She has always spoken fairly clearly and been able to use big words. She loves to learn what words mean and then make sure she's using them correctly. The other day, she told me that she wanted to write a book too but that she might need my help because I have more experience. I loved that. What does she know about "experience"?

With that said, I hold on to the words she doesn't say correctly because I love them and they keep her young. One such word was "blurdy." She would say this when a picture wasn't clear or when the video would freeze on skype or something. (I think it was related to "blurred," like "blurred-y," which makes sense.) But then just the other day, she said "blurry" for the first time and I silently cheered and frowned a little. Besides that, she's always using words that make me wonder where she hears them and how she possibly knows how to use them.

2. Anna is very thoughtful. She found a little gift box and, for a while there, would draw me a special picture each day that said, "I love you mom" (which she is very pleased to know how to spell all by herself). Then she would fold it up, put it in the box, and then she would wrap it and put ribbon on it and present it to me. I also find little post-it notes with similar messages or pictures of flowers or rainbows or whatever around my room, and lately she's been writing "To: Ash," as though we're BFFs. She also likes to open up to a random page in any notebook of mine and write a secret message for me to find later.

Here's one such note:

The blue and green mass in the middle is the earth.

This one was unique because she wrote the lyrics to a song she made up. (What the heck, kid? Stop surprising me at every turn.) The note says "I love you Mom," obviously, and then the lyrics are:

O this is a wonderful day, today, today

Today, o yes, o yes

Today, o yes, o yes

3. Anna is a very adventurous eater. I've written before about her love for pickled things, be they cucumbers or green beans or beets, but she's also very willing to try new things—especially her own creations. Just the other morning, for instance, she combined all the elements we were eating for breakfast into a breakfast sandwich, of sorts. She took a piece of rosemary toast, spread black raspberry jam and grape jelly on and mixed them, and then topped them with parmesan scrambled eggs. She took a bite and then nodded and said, "Good!" She still doesn't like what she doesn't like (avacados, asparagus, pineapple, and black jelly beans) and sometimes prays to be able to like them, but other than that, she's pretty open, which I love and think is a great quality to have.

4. She is also wise beyond her years about many things. One area we've heard a lot about lately is love. I've mentioned her two crushes before, and this last one seems to be sticking. (And apparently, most of the other girls in her class have a crush on this boy as well.) When talking about the difference between love and crushes one day, Anna said, "Love is like fifty crushes." So true. She also told me about a dream she had about her current crush. She couldn't remember many of the details, but she remembered that at the end, she confronted this boy and said, "Do you just want to live a free life?" I thought this was pretty insightful about how smothered the poor boy might feel.

5. Anna is very dramatic. When she is excited about something, she will rapidly clap her hands and grin with delight or put her hands over her heart and close her eyes in sincere reverence for whatever it might be. Sometimes she will even swoon and pretend to faint if the sight is truly magical. For instance, we were out shopping a few weeks ago and we walked into a children's clothing store. There was a display with every sparkly, rainbow-colored accessory you could imagine. She gasped at the sight, walked over to the display, and then literally fell to the floor. Another time, Anna had a nightmare and my sister got there a minute before I did. I told Anna about this the next morning, since she never remembers anything about her nighttime adventures, and she said, with much emotion, "Both of you came in? You could have hugged each other with sadness in your eyes."

6. When she's not being super melodramatic, she also has a little bit of attitude. Last year, she got on this kick of snapping when she'd talk about something really cool. Then more recently, she picked up saying "Lame!" with an attitude whenever she didn't like something. (Can't say I love that . . . ) But then she took it over the top when she added a snap that goes directly into a thumbs down as she says it. It was a brilliant move. She'll also do a snap-thumbs-up for things she loves, which is pretty inventive too.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg . . .

Annacdotes 19

1. I got a new pair of shoes the other day and Anna has been playing with the little plastic stick things that kept the shoes stretched out when they were in the box. (Do you know what I'm talking about? The little hollow L-shaped things?) Anyway, I walked in to the bathroom and Anna was in there playing with one of them in the sink. Here's how the conversation went.

Anna: I just had some disgusting water out of this.
Me: [freaking out inside] Out of that? You used it as a straw?
Anna: Yes, and the water was disgusting.
Me: Yeah, you probably shouldn't do that. It's been inside shoes.
Anna: Yeah. DisGUSTing.

a minute later

Anna: You know what I think the issue was?
Me: What?
Anna: Shoes.
Me. I agree. That's a good rule to follow: Don't put anything in your mouth that has been inside shoes.
Anna: And the other issue? Earwax.
Me: WHAT?
Anna: Yeah, I got a little on the end. DisGUSTing.

(I found out later that she was walking around with both of them sticking out of her ears.)

I realize that this is vile and, yes, disgusting and that I probably come off looking like a neglectful mother, but this conversation was hilarious. The fact that she used the word "issue" so matter-of-factly, and the earwax thing was just icing on the cake.

2. One morning, Anna woke up crying because she had a bad dream. When I went in to check it out, she told me that she was dreaming that someone put her in the freezer. (Totally sad nightmare, by the way.) When she had calmed down, she said, "You want to know something kinda funny? I sometimes see the same police bad guy in my dreams and he's always holding a gun . . . and butter."

3. We had to run a quick errand the other day and Anna insisted on keeping on the plastic poncho she was wearing. (World's best toy, by the way. She loves it and it has somehow kept her entertained for days.) So she wore it on the errand and then when we were getting out of the car, it started to thunder a bit. She said, quite calmly, "Mom, the thunder worries me." When I asked her why, she said, "Because I might get wet!" Oh, the irony.

This was the butterfly we hatched this year. I believe Anna named it Faye.

4. Anna and I shared a room for a few days while guests were in town, and one morning, before I was really coherent, the first thing out of Anna's mouth was, "Mom, do you want me to sniff around like a horse?" When the question finally processed, I said, "Um, not really." She said, "Good . . . because I'm not going to."

5. Anna and I were trying to sing one of the songs Cinderella sings, "A Dream is a Wish," and we could only get so far. After a few fruitless tries, I said, "That's it, I'm going to find the lyrics and then I'll come back and sing the whole thing for you." On my way out of the room, Anna yelled, "Okay, make me proud!"

in front of the St. George temple

6. In a recent prayer, Anna was speaking directly to Heavenly Father. She said, in a very sincere (if a bit melodramatic) voice, "I love you so much. And please, PLEASE, win the war with Satan."

7. "Mom, have you ever pushed on your eyeballs and seen the universe?"

8. "Netflix has changed my life!"

9. Anna was singing to herself the other day and told me that there are two kinds of solos. I asked her what they were, and she said one was the singing kind and the other was like, when you say, "Why so low today?" I'll let you know when her joke book gets published.

This one was taken during Anna's class Halloween party while her teacher was reading the kids a story. Pretty cute.

Holiday Boutique

Just for kicks, I'm selling felt growth charts and flower clips at my sister in-law's holiday boutique this Saturday. (She lives in Highland, by the way. The invite doesn't say that.) So if you're at a loss for gift ideas and want something handmade, this is the place. (Am I a good salesman, or what?)

Apple Crisp

Like any good autumn, we have been experiencing a rather constant influx of apples around here. Just the other day, Anna came home from her grandparents' house with a sackful of newly picked golden delicious, red delicious, and granny smith apples—and something needed to be done about it. So I made one of my seasonal favorites, Apple Crisp. Famous for being both delicious and ridiculously easy, this one is a winner.





Apple Crisp

6 large apples (I like to use a mix, like a couple golden delicious, braeburn, and a granny smith)
1 c. brown sugar
1 c. flour
3/4 c. butter
1 1/4 c. rolled oats
vanilla ice cream (not optional)

Peel, core, and thinly slice apples. Arrange in a buttered 9x13 baking dish. Combine brown sugar and flour. Cut butter into mixture as for pastry. Stir in rolled oats. Spoon topping over apples, pressing down lightly. Bake at 350 degrees for 35 to 40 minutes. Serve warm with ice cream, and be grateful for good food on a cold day.

Sweaters, magically colored leaves, apple crisp. What do you love about the fall?

Let the countdown begin.

Happy November. This month is going to be a big one. I'm scared and excited all at once, which is resulting in my going from rapid clapping and squealing from happiness right into the fetal position and back again, figuratively, several times a day. (It's pretty exhausting.)

Anyway, besides all the normal life stuff going on, here's what else is on the docket:

1. My book deadline. [squeals of excitement] I gave myself seven months to write this book, as a present to myself for my birthday, and here we are, folks. I only have one month left. (!!!) I began pretty ignorantly and I've come a long way, for sure, but now that I know what I know, I know I have so much work left to do. I'm excited but a little scared as to how it's all going to happen. But it's also totally awesome that November just so happens to be National Novel Writing Month. Super cool coincidence, right? It's cool even though I'm not, like those folks, going to write a novel in a month. But I am going to finish one!

2. So yeah. My self-imposed book deadline is my birthday. My 30th birthday. Which is huge. And not only that, I turn 30 on the 30th, which means it's my GOLDEN BIRTHDAY. [rapid squeals] So exciting. My amazing sister sent me a huge box of presents so that I have one to open every day this month, an event she named 30 Days of Ash.

What a sight. Isn't it amazing? I've let out several squeals just thinking about it. And Anna's twice as bad. I've had to pry her fingers away from the pretty packages (days 4 and 17, for instance) more than once.

Anyway, there's a lot going on. So many presents to open, so many thousands of words to write, so many parties to plan. I'm swamped, but in the best kind of way.

In the immortal words from "Major Tom": "4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1. Earth below us, drifting falling . . ." (What?)

Let the countdown begin!